This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
