we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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