I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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