You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
