In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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