one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
