please come you make the beer taste better
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize