I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
what day is it and did you see me today?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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