I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
