I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
