I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
