Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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