I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
