Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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