I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
