I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
