I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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