Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
