Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
