I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
