I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
