Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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