Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
