I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
