My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
