Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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