Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
