I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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