i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
