you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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