Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
