I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
