i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
