Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
