this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
