She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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