does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Michael Bay diarrhea
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
