just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
