don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
