so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
