I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
DRUNK COOKIES
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