I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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