I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize