I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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