Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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