So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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