We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
