i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize