just come out here and I will go home with you...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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