the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
