your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
