I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
