I'm jealous of your bromance
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
