I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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