We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
