i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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