yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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