Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize